The Consequences of Not Knowing Your Self-Worth: A Journey Through the Void
We all have moments in life when things fall apart. Sometimes it feels like the foundation of everything you’ve worked for crumbles beneath you. I know this from experience.
Rewind to 2015. It was the year I lost my best friend, my foundation, my leader—my father. The loss shattered my world. Suddenly, everything felt unsteady. The life I had worked so hard to build on my own in the city I loved came crashing down. I moved back home, mostly to support my mom, but also because, deep down, I was waiting for my dad to return. I couldn’t shake the void he left in my life.
That void? I tried to fill it. We all do, right? We try to fill our emptiness with something—anything—that promises to ease the pain. In my case, I thought romantic relationships could fill that void. Spoiler alert: they didn’t.
Then came the worst of it. The most toxic person I had ever met entered my life. He was a master of manipulation, deceit, and control—so skilled at what he did that he could perform the most horrendous actions right in front of my eyes, and I was completely oblivious to it. This is where my real hell began. But that’s a story for another time.
What I can tell you now, looking back, is that I didn’t know my worth. I didn’t understand the power of protecting my own identity, my own peace, and my own value. I wasn’t grounded in who I was, so I let someone else define my worth. I allowed someone to take advantage of my pain, my vulnerability, and my brokenness. I gave him control over a life that wasn’t his to claim.
I didn’t know that the absence of self-worth creates space for toxic people to come in. When you don’t see your own value, you leave yourself open to being manipulated, used, and discarded. This is the risk of neglecting your worth: it opens doors for people who will drain you, take from you, and leave you questioning everything about yourself.
But it’s not just about what happens to you. Not knowing your worth doesn’t just affect your own life—it affects everyone around you, too. When you lose your identity and your self-worth, you lose your goals, your desires, and your purpose in life. You begin to drift, unsure of what you want or what you’re even capable of.
But the impact is far beyond you. Your purpose, the unique gifts that God gave you, are meant to inspire others. When you lose sight of your value, the world loses out. Those people who are waiting to be inspired by you, to be uplifted by your strength and authenticity—they too miss out. Not knowing yourself leads to confusion, uncertainty, and insecurity. It becomes hard to make decisions, form meaningful relationships, and trust yourself.
It elevates anxiety, leads to stress, and can cause panic attacks that hold you back from living the life you were meant to lead. And perhaps one of the most painful effects is that it creates a barrier between you and others, and between you and God. When you can’t connect with your true self, it’s hard to connect deeply with others or feel a real connection to your spiritual purpose.
But the story doesn’t end there. I broke free. I started learning about abuse—about what it looks like, how it feels, and most importantly, how to heal. The journey is ongoing. The pieces of my life that were shattered by that toxic person are still in the process of being put back together. But here’s the beautiful part: they don’t look the same. The pieces I’m finding are stronger. They’re filled with resilience and power.
I’m still working on healing, and some days are harder than others, but I’ve discovered something incredibly important: knowing my worth is the key to my freedom. The more I understand and affirm my own value, the less I tolerate anyone who tries to diminish it. The more I love and care for myself, the more I attract relationships that respect and honor me.
You see, when you don’t know your worth, it’s easy for others to take advantage of that. It’s easy for toxic people to find their way into your life and wreak havoc. But once you begin to see your value—truly understand it—everything changes. You stop attracting the wrong people, and you start building a life filled with those who see you, respect you, and love you for who you are. You become unshakable.
And that, my friends, is how we reclaim our power.
Action Steps for Preventing Toxic People from Entering Your Life:
Get Clear on Your Boundaries:
Take some time to reflect on your values and what behaviors are unacceptable to you. Write down your boundaries—both emotional and physical—and remind yourself of them regularly. This clarity will make it easier to spot toxic behavior early and stop it before it becomes a pattern.
Action: Write down at least three personal boundaries that you are willing to stand firm on. Whether it's how others treat your time, how they speak to you, or your emotional needs, make sure they align with your values.
Trust Your Gut:
Often, our intuition gives us early warning signs about toxic people. If something feels off, don't ignore it. Trust that inner voice telling you that something is wrong. Listening to your gut can save you from investing time and energy into people who aren't good for you.
Action: Start practicing listening to your instincts. When you meet someone new or are around a person who gives you a weird feeling, ask yourself: What is my gut telling me right now? Write down your feelings to analyze later if necessary.
Know Your Worth:
When you know and value yourself, you won’t settle for relationships that diminish you. Toxic people thrive on individuals who feel unsure of themselves. Build your self-esteem daily through positive affirmations, self-care routines, and acknowledging your growth.
Action: Every morning, write down one thing you love about yourself or a strength you’ve recently displayed. By reinforcing your value, you make it less likely for others to undermine your worth.
Set the Tone Early:
Toxic people often sneak in when you allow small disrespectful behaviors to slide. If someone oversteps your boundaries, address it immediately. Setting the tone early on lets people know what is and isn’t acceptable in your space.
Action: Practice assertive communication. The next time someone crosses a boundary, address it calmly but firmly. You don’t need to be rude, but let them know their behavior is not acceptable.
Surround Yourself with Supportive People:
Having a strong support system of friends, family, or mentors who respect you will make it easier to identify toxic individuals. Healthy relationships act as a mirror to remind you of your worth and give you the confidence to walk away from negativity.
Action: Reach out to someone you trust today. Spend time with them to reinforce your positive relationships. The stronger your circle, the less space there is for toxic people.
Don’t Be Afraid to Walk Away:
Sometimes, the best way to protect your peace is to simply walk away from a relationship that no longer serves you. This can be tough, but remember: you don’t owe anyone your time or energy if it’s damaging your well-being.
Action: If you’re currently in a relationship with someone who feels toxic, consider whether it's time to set a hard boundary or even walk away. Ask yourself, "Does this relationship add value to my life, or is it draining me?" Trust your answer.
Encouragement:
It’s not always easy to take these steps, especially if you’re used to putting others’ needs before your own or if you're afraid of confrontation. But taking these actions will help you reclaim your power and ensure you are surrounded by people who uplift and support you.
Remember: Knowing your worth is not just about you—it’s about ensuring you are the best version of yourself for the people who truly matter in your life.
